I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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