I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
