he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
