also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
