nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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