god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
