someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
