They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
nutella sex= disaster
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
