I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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