mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
