He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
