Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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