He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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