That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize