am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
