wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
