my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
