thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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