Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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