Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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