i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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