I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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