if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
