Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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