it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
