Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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