he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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