well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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