Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
