So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
