guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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