You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
