I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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