I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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