I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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