I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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