At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
