My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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