Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
