At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
