Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You are a genius and a whore.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
