i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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