The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
