paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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