Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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