I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
