How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
