mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
