so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
