Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize