I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
