I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
