Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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