I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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