I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
