Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
