I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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