I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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