Only a mothe r could love this liver
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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