They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
