so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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